I made up there jokes.  Now consider that I don't get paid anything for my services, nothing, nada, zero, zip, zilch.
Are you sick of family holidays such as Christmas or Easter?   Here are a few good conversation stoppers!

• Disrupt a family dinner with a fictional story:  Say that you were feeling bi-curious, and then regail your family with a detailed homosexual encounter you had at a public toilet,  hence the reason for your late arrival.  Apologise weakly, trail off creating an uncomfortable silence.  An appropriate example is something like "Add a memorable embelishment, such as "After the guy came in my mouth, he shoved a $20 note in my mouth and fucked off." 

• Further ruin the family dinner by accusing the man of the house of being a racist, Sexist Homophobe.  Ask him why he is so accepting of lesbian porn,  and yet so critical towards gay men.   Suggest some gay web sites that he should check out to cure his homophobic sexist attitude.  

• Bore your family further with a long story about a website that lets you have a star in the universe named after you, and explain how you had a bout of depression after realising just how many stars there are in the known universe/multiverse. Express sorrow at the $100 or $200 that you wasted. 

• Disappoint your mother or sister by asking them if they would be prepared to be your "In case of emergency" contact. When they say yes abruptly cut them off and say "Oh actually ...  I just thought of someone far more reliable than you...,  yeah thanks "   actually I just thought of someone else, he / she is much more reliable.  

• Point out to ""friends"' who like dolphins that   small dolphins get caught up in fishing catches, and that they have probably eaten dolphin, or, by eating fish, they are both complicitly, statistically and assuredly to whatever micropercentage responsible for it.   Ask them why they don't like people instead, imply that they want to have sex with dolphins.   Say, "If you love dolphins so much, why don't you marry into them?"

• Your homophobic, married, male friend. Hypothetically ask for how much money it would take for them to turn gay.  10 million, a billion dollars etc.  , of course.  Once he admit'' s it,  slam your fist down on table in triunph and scream 'I knew you were a cocksucking faggot!!!.  Grab their jaw, say ' c'mon open your mouth, how many litres of semen have you guzzled down today? 3 4 5 or 6? Fuuuck.  Are you gonna be alright to drive or what?  Scream' out to bartender.  "Yo my gay  designated driver's drank about 5 or 6 litres of cum, does semen have alcohol in it?".

Friends and Neighbours annoying?  Fuck em!

• When your friend is at the traffic lights, change the gears from drive to reverse.   Laugh as he / she crashes into the car behind them as they attempt to drive forwards. Deny responsibility vehemently.  Then, after they collect the insurance, tell them it was you.

• Impress your neighbours by claiming  to be an environmentalist whilst throwing all your recycling in your bin without separating it.  Claim that you always separate your recyclables and that you care about the environment.  After bin day, congratulate your neighbour on being an alcoholic on the account of how many glass bottles you heard clanking from his recycling bin into the truck. 

• Say to your friend in a 20 story Commission High-rise, If they live on the first or second floor "Wow it's really high up here, Im getting vertigo! Look at the view! you can see for miles!"

• Tell a group of people the setup to a really long joke,  draw it out for 10 minutes,  and right when you are saying, for instance,  "and the governer of the prison asked the inmate why do you always ask for a bananna before we try to electrocute you?..."  then say to your friends " Well, I've got to go now...  my wife's got a roast cooking,  I think I hear my dog barking... ". 

 

• Say to them a "Knock Knock" joke  When they ask "Who's there?"  remain silent and sullen and don't say anything.